Dating: Faster Isn't Always Better

BYU-I-Do is a common nickname given to my school, Brigham Young University Idaho, because of the extraordinary amount of people going from single, to couple, to married. Really, there's a lot. I hear guys walking through campus with an excited tremor in their voice as they finalize plans on the phone with their best buddy for the one's upcoming proposal; I see the stereotypical couples in porter park where the guys play love songs on their guitar as the girls dreamily gaze into his eyes, dreaming of eternity together.... The trend is very much to shoot through the dating stages like a soaped up five year old on a slip-n-slide racing towards the finish line of marriage, which, while it may be efficient, it may not be effective in the sense of accomplishing the purposes of dating and courtship. Contrary to the belief of anyone driving a sports car, faster isn't always better.

In fact, dating has become very unefficient and ineffective. Part of the contributing factor to this is that the existence of casual dating is declining. Replacing it is the phenomenon of hanging out, which I like to compare to a herd of hyperactive children with ill functioning frontal lobes and a DVD player. In other words, hanging out has poor decision making, problem solving, and emotional skills, along with an inability to stay committed to focusing on one thing for too long. Oh, and the DVD player, half the time hanging out turns into watching Nacho Libre for the fourth time that month. After all, what's a better non-planned, unprepared activity then staring at a screen together for two hours strait? That's a bonding activity right there. You know your relationship with your significant other is deep when you two can turn star wars on mute and perfectly voice over the whole thing.

Okay, okay, I know. I'm getting to be sardonic. 

Let's move on to the three P's of dating: paid, planned, and prepared. The raw basics of dating, this is everything that hanging out is not. Girls, think about it; marriage is the end goal of dating right? Well if he's not showing signs of planning, paying (there's nothing more frustrating than going to a dinner date with a guy when he asks you to take the bill at the end), or preparing now then what is he going to be like after marriage? He doesn't sound very responsible at all. Dating is a time where we as girls get to see what he has to offer in terms of being a good husband, father, provider, and protector. You don't get to see these attributes when you're in the herd mentality of hanging out, but rather, you're going to see each other acting, or not, in these areas when dating. 

The definition of dating has morphed and become strangely deformed, while the term "courtship" has become virtually non existent. We go from hanging out, to going on dates, to dating, to engaged, to marriage. The problem is in the first half. (Let's just cut hanging out from the equation) going on dates turns so quickly into a relationship that you hardly know the person you're making a commitment to, and the relationship becomes the place where you get to know the person. What? Studies have shown that the more women make that strong emotional attachment and then break from it, the harder it is for them to make those attachments in the future. Obviously this is not how we were designed to go about finding our eternal companion. Instead, if we first date casually for a longer period of time, using this as an opportunity to get to know that other person, spending time with them, talking to them, and doing many different activities with them, we'll be more prepared and better able to make a wise decision of whether or not we want to attach to this person. You find out before you make a premature commitment if this person is someone you really do want to trust and rely on. Then you're ready for courtship, then engagement, then marriage.

I could spend pages on the topic of dating, there's just so much! But to spare your eyes from tiring any more I'll wrap things up, and I'll even attempt to do it without sarcasm! ...if I can.... Dating is an important part of finding a spouse, but within that, dating properly is even more important. It saves from heartbreak, emotional distress, even improves the quality of your future relationship. So don't be like that hyperactive, soaped up five year old who charges down a slip-n-slide, DVD player in tow. Rather, take a carousel ride. If this person is important to you, wouldn't you rather take the steps, patience though they may take, to ensure the well being of the relationship?

Men & Women: The Same?

Did you ever have a disagreement with your brothers growing up? Or if you were the brother, did you  and your sister ever try and solve things differently with said disagreement? You, the girl,wanted to watch Arthur, he wanted to watch Quigley Down Under, and when you tried to talk about it to find a compromise (Okay, maybe it was more like crying and stomping my little feet about it), he decided to rudely set you in your room and tie your door handle to an opposite doors handle so that you couldn't bother him any more. Yeah? Well, maybe your experiences were a bit different, but I'd guess they probably have a similar theme.
What about dating? Did you ever find yourself going about things in opposite ways? Maybe you have a disagreement one day and when you see each other the next he's completely forgotten about it, while you're still fuming. Or maybe he'll ask you what you're thinking about; you'll spurt out the twenty different trains of thought that are running like mad bulls through your mind, all seemingly connected by the longest imaginable piece of invisible string, but when you ask him what's occupying his mind you learn that he's thinking of one. single. thing. ...I'm sorry, is that possible?
Alright, so what am I getting at here? Men and women are different. Innately. To say it differently, and in the words of that scary, scary woman, I was born this way. You were born how you are, be that woman or man. With that inheritance come qualities that are gender specific. There are many in the world today that say that there are no differences between males and females, but that if there are we should hastily change our society, mind set, way of living, and way of raising our children so that those differences between boys and girls are no longer existent. Equality, they call it.

Let me take a step back to the movement for women's rights. It's related, I promise. What a wonderful thing! Because of those strong, visionary, hopeful women we now have opportunities that weren't even thought of just a few generations ago. We can vote, we can work outside the home, we can run for office, we can fight in the army, and on, and on the list goes. This has changed our lives, our family's lives, and the life of our societies and cultures. Women equal with men, a happy sentiment. Or are we truly equal? It's found that women have a difficult time passing the required strength performance tasks for some occupations, like to become a fire fighter. Most women just don't have the strength to do these things. Equal? They're excluding women from the occupation of fire fighting! Every women should have that right! Right? So do you agree that the strength standers should be lowered for women joining your local fire fighters? You wouldn't mind being dragged out of the third floor of a burning building, your head hitting ever step on the way down because your female savior didn't have the strength to cary you out, unlike her male coworker, right? What's a major concussion and some brain damage so long as that woman can be equal to her male coworkers! ...Even if it risks another's life.... right? I mean, men only have, on average, twice the upper body strength of women. No big deal. But I'm sure we shouldn't take that into account with something like this. Men being more qualified for a position like this--well, saying something that is sexist and discriminatory! Or maybe it's just wise.
Equality does not mean that everything is the same. Being equal with the guy siting next to me in the library does not mean that we will have the same abilities, or that if he makes it into a Psychology grad school and I don't, that the board of admissions is being biased and that I have every right to sue for the injustice of it all. No. Please no. Equality is equal opportunities. If I want to be the CEO of a company then I have every right to go for it. Why? Because it's an option, it's available if I want it. But say I wanted to be a civil engineer but am, quite honestly, terrible at math, geometry, and basically everything the major requires. Should the program be required to lower their standards (because men are often more proficient at math than women) so that I can do what I have a desire to do? Well, no they shouldn't.
My point is that while the movement for women's rights started something really, very good, perhaps we've taken it to an extreme. I also believe that we lost something very important along the way, but more on that later.
Women and men are equal but different. That statement can seem like somewhat of a conundrum, can't it? Equal but different... How can two things be different, unique, but still have equal worth? That is something that isn't often thought of in the world.
Girls and boys are different from a very young age. Boys crawl sooner, girls sit sooner, boys are more aggressive, girls more sensitive and nurturing, and so on. Some say that these are differences imposed upon the children from society and by subtle parenting differences between how boys and girls are raised. I don't believe that. Men and women have unique God given characteristics specific to their gender. Simply put, we are not the same. You can try all you like but men and women will always be different. It is because of these differences that marriage is such a divine relationship; husband and wife complete each other and help to perfect one another by each bringing to the table something that the other doesn't have, or maybe isn't as proficient with. We help each other to learn and grow! Without woman, man would be lost, and vice verse. In Genesis 2:18 it says, "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." Our differences are there to help one another and without the differences of men and women we would never be able to reach our fullest potential.
Don't think I'm saying that women need to be dainty and delicate every second of every day (please no! I'm such a tomboy!), or that men should walk through the day showing feats of strength at every corner. What I'm trying to say is that men and women are beautifully different and that we shouldn't try to change or take away what God has given us. It is a gift to be a women, I cherish my role in God's plan. Don't you take your part in His plan for granted.




If you want to know more about the individual roles of men and women check out this link: https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation
Or take a peak at the similar blogs, they'll probably have something to say!

Eh, It's a Start.

Family. It's no big deal, right? I came from one, you obviously came from one, basically, in order to be here everyone had to have come from a family. Or did they? The definition of family has started to change for some (notice I said some, not all), and it's impacting the way our society runs. So what is a family? From a religious perspective it's a sacred union between husband and wife who foster a safe and loving environment for their children where they can come to know God. From a societal view it is... well, that actually seems to be what we're so confused about. While writing that sentence I had to stop writing, because I couldn't think of an explanation for how society views families.

So how about this, what is family to me? Aligned with a religious perspective, I know family as being composed of a mother, a father, and their children. To avoid confusion let me explain further: a family starts with a husband and wife who have been lawfully wed; not a man and a woman who decide to live together. Did you know that between 60-80% of couples cohabit before marriage? That's an awful lot. Here's another something, children born to cohabiting couples are three times more likely to see their parents break up, as compared to children of married couples. Wow. Three times more likely! Children borne to married couples also have less instances of violence, crime, drug and alcohol abuse, and have higher grades in school, compared to children of same gender, divorced, or cohabiting couples, as well as single parents. But back to the couples, women and men who cohabit report higher levels of depression and much lower levels of overall life satisfaction than those who are married.
It's strange, really, that what used to be the average age for marriage has now been replaced for the average age of cohabitation. Many people are still getting married, they're just living together for a looong time before they do it, and guess what that means? Less marital satisfaction, less children, and less happiness in general. That's right, getting married younger can actually make you happier! Higher levels of happiness happen when you get married, but you're actually happier if you get married younger! Besides, getting married younger = more years of happiness, so why not get married younger? That brings us to our next point, that people now tend to see marriage as not a corner stone for you life, something you build the rest of your life on, but instead is being seen as a capstone to life. You avoid marriage as you get your education, after you get your education you tell yourself that you can't possibly get married now because you can't provide well enough, so you have to establish a career, and so on. Until you've accomplished everything you wanted to do in life and decide to top it off with a nice little marriage cherry on top. Whoa, people! Let's get this straight. You want to live half of your life alone, living a life of artificial and ultimately superficial tasks? Well that makes sense. Naturally.
So let's start figuring things out. Families are important, I'm just not sure we all realize why. So stick with me while a figure out how to adequately explain what I know to be true: families are the staple of our society, the foundation of our Heavenly  Father's plan for us, and if that's not enough for you, it's the ultimate form of love, of acceptance for who you are, and joy beyond measure. So take a chance today and give a little tender lovin' care.


Most of these findings were taken from Knot Yet: The Benefits and Costs of a Delayed Marriage, along with the documentary, A Demographic Winter.